What Was I Thinking?

(This post has been revised)

While musing on a discussion I had with one of my readers today, I remembered my past, and how hard it was to hear and obey God in the midst of my own strong desire and passions.  I wanted to please God, but I wasn't ready to let go of the other things I wanted.  How many of us are like that, living compromised lives and expecting God's blessings..?

In particular, I remembered the time Michael* (* pseudoname) came back into my life.  My first love and first time.  I remember all the strong feelings I had for him.  I had forsaken our relationship to follow after the Jesus Christians.  While with them, I made a very bad decision, under pressure, and married for the wrong reasons.

There were also many reasons I should not have sought to get back with Michael...  For one, I was married!  I guess that should have ended it.  But I was miserable in my marriage.  And his return in my life was like a lifeline to me, that I didn't want to let go of.

My husband and I separated.  I wanted an annulment, but the marriage had long since passed that point.  I didn't know how to abide in my marriage with all those feelings I had for Michael, and the absolute lack of feeling and love in my marriage.  Yet, I wanted to honour God!  I still feared God.

Now, I have to ask myself, WHAT WAS I THINKING?  I left my husband for another man...but wasn't able to sleep with the other man, because I wanted to honour God...  What was I thinking?  The man I left my husband for didn't love or fear God, but I wanted to be with him enough to compromise my relationship with God...  What was I thinking?  Why was my need for him so great that I justified so much to keep him in my life...even when I knew there was another woman in the picture?!

My friend counselled me at the time.  She told me I should let him go, that we didn't have a future if we were to continue our relationship.  She said, "maybe in ten years..."  I couldn't hear it.  I thought, in ten years, he would have married someone else!  I was determined that I would be the one...

But how?  And why?  Neither of us were listening to God or submitted to Him.  Why did I think we stood a chance in hell of having a relationship that would one day honour God?  Why was all this evidence that he wasn't the one not cause me to let go...?   I was so desperate for what I wanted that I wouldn't have known wisdom if it had slapped me across the face!

Eventually, I was forced to let go.  Fortunately for me, he didn't marry me.  I would have been pitiful in that marriage...blinded by passion and unable to see him as he really was.  Though I didn't want to hear it at the time, he told me the truth about himself...

He was still the man I forsook to follow God, and I was still a woman who would not sleep with him before marriage, and who had dragged him to Church for repentance.  Nothing had changed.  We were never meant to be.  Still, I didn't walk away, until I found out I was all alone...

So why am I sharing this today?  I think there are many women (and men) like me who know their relationship doesn't honour God, but they are blinded by love and can't see reason.  They think it can be made legitimate by getting married, and they can fix any issues later...  But you can't build your house on a faulty foundation and expect it to stand...  When the storms of life come, as they do, it will surely scatter (Matt 7:24-27).

You may also be in a relationship you are having doubts about, but you feel things have gone too far for you to begin to say STOP!!!  My fictional piece about THE WEDDING should help you see that it is never too late to put a halt on a wrong relationship.  Marriage is too big a deal to enter into carelessly.  You may feel miserably lonely as a single, but WOULD YOU RATHER BE MISERABLY LONELY IN MARRIAGE?  A paramount criteria for anyone you want to share your life with is that they MUST FEAR GOD!

If we want God to bless our marriage, we really ought to seek Him early, and let Him be the centre of our relationship before we even consider marriage.  Like Ifeanyi, a character in my story series, The Church Girl, said: "You can't marry wisely, when you are living unwisely..."  Though your situation may be completely different from what I shared, I think it really all boils down to the same thing - WHO IS IN CONTROL OF YOUR LIFE? and DO YOU REALLY WANT GOD?  Settle your mind on this once and for all, because a double-minded man or woman is indeed unstable in every way (Jam 1:8).

God will never take a back seat in your life.  He wants to be front and centre.  If you want to marry wisely, make sure that you are living wisely...a life surrendered to God. Then you will know the will of God, and be able to walk in it, and won't need anyone else's affirmation of your relationship.

Photo credit: www.unsplash.com

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